She would wake up wanting to go back to bed, she didn't know why. She dreaded going to school and having to be social. She wanted to just crawl under a rock, people wouldn't notice anyways. I'm invisible.
At my 5'2" self, i can walk past people in a crowd and go unnoticed. This is my 13 year old self, I'll be fast forwarding here and there and then back in time.For now lets stay here. My brown hair now dyed blue, is messily thrown under a black beanie of my lazy self. My brown eyes hide in the redness of crying myself to sleep, night after night. My black skinny jeans ripped at the knees, paired with a black sweatshirt, my left arm marked with shame, guilt, depression, confusion, trying to stay alive and blood. My other arm covered in bracelets, they meant a lot of different things, with story's and meanings behind them.
I guess i should take a moment to say, yes, yes, this is about my mental mind that i have to live with forever. About my life, the past, the present, and the future. About my mind, my actions, my drama, my life. About the times i was in a mental hosps. About the times that people fucked me over. About the times that i fucked up. About my ex, the one i thought was going to be my forever, the one who said he was going to always be there. But guess what, i became "too much to deal with" "you were raped but i'm going to tell people you "cheated" on me. That's another story to come.
Welp, there you have it. Yes, its a lot to deal with. It is a lot....i'm not going to use real names or anything. I'm going to change names and a few things. But this is about 90% real. Real life events. Real life events that fucked me up. Or maybe i'll use the real names, i'm just worried people i know well find this and start saying things. I shouldn't care what people say, ugh we shall see what becomes of this. I am not writing this for people to feel bad about me, gosh idk if people well even read this. I'm writing this because i need to get this out. Yeah sure, i could hand write in a book, but there's this weird thing that happens when you write it on an online thing and then sending it out. It's like getting rid of the past you don't want to keep replaying in your mind. Some of the memories well be taken from notebooks i have, ones that if someone were to open it,would think a "crazy" person wrote it. Maybe i am crazy, i don't know yet. Tbh, i don't know who i am fully.
I made it to 19, and I'll be 20 in almost a month. I didn't even see myself making it this far. I'm supposed to be dead, well not really but i've tried to end my life to many times to count and remember. There were times I OD and would be asleep for days. Times when my life was speared.
I'm not a writer. English has never been my thing. But hey this is just me writing about my life and experiences. About me making it day by day.
That's what it is all about, not worrying about where you'll be in a year, i know people always ask "where do you see yourself in a year?" A past ex friend gave me this advice, "i know you don't see yourself making it to tomorrow or even next week. The best advice i can give you is this. Keep being you, don't worry about what people will say about you. Also the biggest one is this, look one min into the future, then five mins, ten mins and so forth and before you know it, you've made it through the day, week, month and then year. You then have accomplished something, and that is by being yourself and keep pushing on even though you want to end it all. I know it sounds like nothing but trust me, it's bigger then you'd think.
Like i said, i'm not a writer and this is so rambly that maybe you the reader is getting mad at me for the amount of run on sentences, the lack of knowledge in where to place everything etc. But again, like i said, i'm doing this to get it out of my system or maybe in hopes that someone who is dealing with or has maybe experienced some of this and well find it helpful to know there's other people out there really struggling or maybe this well be encouraging. Whatever it maybe, i thank you for taking the time to read.
I would really enjoy feedback (comments) Goodnight from California. Until next time, which the next post i don't really know what it is to be about. I don't plan my writings out, i just sit down at my laptop and start typing away. I don't even proofread. So this is as raw and bare as you can get inside my mind. I can't even be fake if i tried or make things up. So trust me when i say this is raw and bare, take my word on it.
~until next time
p.s. not sure on the color, lmk what you think :)
I made it to 19, and I'll be 20 in almost a month. I didn't even see myself making it this far. I'm supposed to be dead, well not really but i've tried to end my life to many times to count and remember. There were times I OD and would be asleep for days. Times when my life was speared.
I'm not a writer. English has never been my thing. But hey this is just me writing about my life and experiences. About me making it day by day.
That's what it is all about, not worrying about where you'll be in a year, i know people always ask "where do you see yourself in a year?" A past ex friend gave me this advice, "i know you don't see yourself making it to tomorrow or even next week. The best advice i can give you is this. Keep being you, don't worry about what people will say about you. Also the biggest one is this, look one min into the future, then five mins, ten mins and so forth and before you know it, you've made it through the day, week, month and then year. You then have accomplished something, and that is by being yourself and keep pushing on even though you want to end it all. I know it sounds like nothing but trust me, it's bigger then you'd think.
Like i said, i'm not a writer and this is so rambly that maybe you the reader is getting mad at me for the amount of run on sentences, the lack of knowledge in where to place everything etc. But again, like i said, i'm doing this to get it out of my system or maybe in hopes that someone who is dealing with or has maybe experienced some of this and well find it helpful to know there's other people out there really struggling or maybe this well be encouraging. Whatever it maybe, i thank you for taking the time to read.
I would really enjoy feedback (comments) Goodnight from California. Until next time, which the next post i don't really know what it is to be about. I don't plan my writings out, i just sit down at my laptop and start typing away. I don't even proofread. So this is as raw and bare as you can get inside my mind. I can't even be fake if i tried or make things up. So trust me when i say this is raw and bare, take my word on it.
~until next time
p.s. not sure on the color, lmk what you think :)
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